someone commented. four years later. it’s hard to express how stunning this is. I thought the blog had maybe been deleted since I hadn’t gone back to it. And I hadn’t gone back for a silly reason, really–the print was too small on the blog and I couldn’t read it and I was ashamed anyway. but that seems fixed now, I dunno why.
do I still pray?
yes. I’m praying now. I pray every time I write. something about writing has always made my prayers more real.
my prayers have been different though. more fraught with cognitive dissonance between the god I grew up with and the person I think god really is. People, maybe. Mother/Father. both. I believe there’s a divine female as well as male–that my own capacity for divinity is not diminished because my body is capable of having babies. beautiful babies. it’s society that’s ugly when you have them. filling you with guilt, inadequacy, a dearth of choices, rage, exhaustion, shame. shutting you down whenever you say anything bad about them just because saying something negative must mean that you’re a bad mother.
the funny thing is, someone commented. someone heard. but it was four. years. after I needed to hear it.
it’s strange, god–mother/father–how time and prayers don’t always coincide. you’ve been answering a lot of my prayers lately. been sending answers and explanations and forgiveness and love.
but where were you four years ago?
that sounds like I’m angry, but I’m not anymore. I feel calm again. OK again.
when Jesus was dying on the cross, he prayed. my god, my god, why have you forsaken me? and you didn’t answer him. not a whisper. not encouragement. no angel to comfort.
and he died. he died in the darkness.
and what does that mean?
Letters to God 
Allison said,
March 10, 2010 at 3:53 am
I think it means He loves us.
I think He died in darkness so that He could come back from it, and conquer it for us.
It’s a crazy, terrible world sometimes. And at some point we are all a bad mother, sister, daughter, friend, person. That’s just the way it is.
And what amazes me every moment of every day is that God knows that, and He loves us enough to die for us anyway.
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
He died in darkness to show us the light.
Sarah said,
May 21, 2010 at 4:25 am
Hi there, I am glad you’re still writing, still praying. Do not give up hope.
When Jesus was on the cross and prayed to God: “my God, why have you forsaken me?”… why did He say that? Why did God forsake Him?
That is because, in that moment, when God had ‘forsaken’ Jesus, it was when Jesus was carrying all our sins with Him on the cross. Jesus was bearing our sins. And because God is a holy God, apart and not one with sin, He could not be with Jesus then, because during that moment, Jesus had sin- all our sin.
Then, He died. He died for us, carrying our sin. God made His precious son die for our sins. So that, through Jesus, even though as man we are sinners, we can have a relationship with God.
God did not forsake Jesus, He sacrificed Jesus to save us. God will not forsake us. He gave His life to save us! He will always listen to our prayers, and answer them, in the way He sees best for us.
🙂
andrea said,
December 13, 2010 at 3:46 pm
I know how you feel. Keep up with your prayers online. It helps many strangers. I just typed in the web address and found you!
I know exactly how you FELT back in 2006. I feel that way now….
Aurora Eclipse said,
March 13, 2012 at 2:44 am
I like your blog… 🙂
Aurora Eclipse said,
March 13, 2012 at 2:45 am
I like your blog… 🙂
I write letters to God too. Except I write them in a book.
dsuh777@gmail.com said,
March 23, 2012 at 2:18 am
i have an interesting story about how i got here. i was actually trying to create an account by the username “letters to god” i was going to use this blog as an outlet where i can just be personal and real with God. just use two. when i saw that it was already taken, i thought to myself, “how could it possibly be taken? who would make a username like this?” so i went to your blod and the first thing i see is this post.
i hope that youre doing fine now 🙂
and if youre not, then i want you to know that everyone has their ups and downs. ive had many storms that have raged tirelessly against me, and i have been very depressed at times. but ive come to realize, that anything and everything bad that happens to us comes for a reason. i dont believe in coincidence. i know that every single problem and obstacle in your life is for your spiritual growth. God wants you to overcome those things. But he will NEVER leave you hanging or for dead. He is simply stepping aside and allowing you to go through the fire. He wants to see if you have the strength to overcome. But he won’t leave you during the worst stages of your life. He has stepped aside for you, but he is STILL right next to you and watching over you. And if you ever fall, he will lift you back up in his due time. So whenever you go through a troubling time, i hope you’ll remember this. i hope this encourages you. 🙂
I strongly recommend you read the book of James if you want to know more about pain and struggles in life. i think It’s only like 4 chapters long. But the content of the book of James is so DEEP, it makes up for its shortness. as i read through james, i highlighted and underlned the key points in each verse. when i was finished, i looked back and i realized that i had highlighted literally every single verse in the chapter. it was just so good. you will NOT regret reading the book of james. bye!